Issues between me and my heart

I don't know batah2 ane (maybe almost a week) my mind, my brain, my heart confuse semacam. Probably because negative inputs from my surrounding area. Rasa macam takut-takut about commitment especially relationship. I want to fight it but seems like I am so weak at this. Dlm utak selalu questioning ' is this going to happen to me in the future?' 'if so, why would i do this if i already know that in the end i am gonna be heartbroken'. But another part of my brain told me 'not all couples end up like this. It depends on your trust and honesty'. But the question is 'where is my trust?' I know he trusts me but still i am questioning my trust. Where did it go to? Why can't I feel the same way again? I tried to get it out of my mind. Hanging out with the girls, pretending to busy, sports etc. But no matter how hard i tried, when i am alone, i will still thinking about this matter! Argghhhhhh! At one point, I wanna slam my car to the nearby lamp post! I don't want to discuss this with him. This is my issue within my self. He's innocent. He didn't do anything wrong to me. In fact, Im the one who's guilty. Not contacting him for quite some time. I don't know. I want to do so but my mind is blank and I don't know what to say. Stupid, isn't it? Is this a normal dilemma for a woman at this age? Or is it just me? How come I still see many happy lovey-dovey couples around my age out there? So, does that mean my surrounding is bad? But the reality also show that the issue happens. I don't want to jeopardize my children's future just because of this. At another point, I thought better be alone than having a commitment. That's how stupid my thinking was. All these things made me forget all the sweet memories of me and him. That's why most of the time I would be in tears alone in my room or car....*sob*