Issues between me and my heart

I don't know batah2 ane (maybe almost a week) my mind, my brain, my heart confuse semacam. Probably because negative inputs from my surrounding area. Rasa macam takut-takut about commitment especially relationship. I want to fight it but seems like I am so weak at this. Dlm utak selalu questioning ' is this going to happen to me in the future?' 'if so, why would i do this if i already know that in the end i am gonna be heartbroken'. But another part of my brain told me 'not all couples end up like this. It depends on your trust and honesty'. But the question is 'where is my trust?' I know he trusts me but still i am questioning my trust. Where did it go to? Why can't I feel the same way again? I tried to get it out of my mind. Hanging out with the girls, pretending to busy, sports etc. But no matter how hard i tried, when i am alone, i will still thinking about this matter! Argghhhhhh! At one point, I wanna slam my car to the nearby lamp post! I don't want to discuss this with him. This is my issue within my self. He's innocent. He didn't do anything wrong to me. In fact, Im the one who's guilty. Not contacting him for quite some time. I don't know. I want to do so but my mind is blank and I don't know what to say. Stupid, isn't it? Is this a normal dilemma for a woman at this age? Or is it just me? How come I still see many happy lovey-dovey couples around my age out there? So, does that mean my surrounding is bad? But the reality also show that the issue happens. I don't want to jeopardize my children's future just because of this. At another point, I thought better be alone than having a commitment. That's how stupid my thinking was. All these things made me forget all the sweet memories of me and him. That's why most of the time I would be in tears alone in my room or car....*sob*

Amazing Expedition at Ternate, Maluku Island

Date: 25th June - 2nd July 2010
Place: Jakarta and Ternate Island
Purpose: ASEAN Youth Wallacea Expedition 2010
Delegates from Brunei: Me, Asri Mohamad, Razali Ibrahim and Sofinaz (Team Leader)

Classifications!!!

Alhamdulillah...Finally got my classification result and unexpectedly I got Lower Second class. I thought I will get 3rd class since I flunked out during my first and second year. Huhu...But, anyhow, I am sooo thankful to the Almighty Allah for this gift. On my home, I cried heavily in the car thinking all the efforts and sacrifices I had to make just to get this honours. I remembered those difficult moments which I had to face alone everyday. I remembered the hardest times I had to go through when changing the programmes. I remembered being alone in classes full of juniors that I never knew. But somehow, I got adapted to these. I had to be strong! Especially when seeing my batch graduated first before me. Only Allah knows how I felt that time. But I had to be mentally-strong. I need to! To get this result, I need to sacrifice. I had to face angry-faces of my parents when I told them that I have to extend another year. I had to face questions from friends asking why I need to extend my study. Frankly, it's hard for me to answer those.

I remembered crying so hard at Tungku Beach because of my poor exam result. Thanks to the girls at that time who calmed me down! And I remembered being terminated from my programme. Receving the letter is the hardest moment that I could face especially when the AR said I might not be able to continue study at UBD. What would you feel when someone told you that? I remembered that time I could see that the world is mocking at me, laughing and shouting that I am a complete failure!

But I hold on to myself. I climb a mountain from rock bottom. I fought back. Fighting this alone and winning in the end is the most precious moment I ever have!! And without support from the loved ones and friends, I would not stand still like today. Thanks again guys!

Finally......I win this battle. (^_^)